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kenny

Crazy For You

Title: Crazy For You
Author: howxixdisappear
Pairing: Frank/Gerard
Rating: Adult
Prompt: Skin
Word Count: 1567
Summary: I can feel your skin on my sheets.
Disclaimer: I'm a pathological liar. True story...or is it?
Author's Notes: My first Frerard in months and months. Almost a year? Anyway, feel free to give me concrit. Have a fic request? Go here for my 100 Prompts table, or here for my H/C Prompt table.



I can feel your skin on my sheets.

I can smell you. Everywhere.

I can hear you, taste you, you are everywhere.

You are everything.

But I forgot your face.

It’s gone. It’s fucking gone gone gone I can’t find it anywhere where did it go why can’t I see you when everyone else still can where did you GO?

***

You said, we can’t keep doing this.

I said, we can. But you shook your head, biting down on your lip and looking sad. I never saw you cry before, but you cried then. I said, I love you.

You said, you don’t. There was no convincing you. You pushed past me, ran inside. I stood out in the street forever. Forever and ever in the wet wet rain, waiting until your brother chased me away, yelling and yelling because I wasn’t any good for you. He said, stay the FUCK away from my brother! He said, he’s been through enough without you making things worse! He said, don’t come back.

It wasn’t until later that I realized you came out to stand on the front porch. To watch. Watching watching watching, you didn’t help me. You didn’t call him off. When he came home, my blood on his fists, did you ask him what he did? Did you say anything at all?

No. No no no no you did not. You did not.

***

We met in the hospital. The hospital when you had a broken head. That’s what you said. You broke your head and I probably did too and that’s why we were together. You didn’t remember a lot of things from before you came to the hospital. You remembered flashing lights and a headache and someone screaming. I don’t remember anything at all before for the hospital.

Someone told me I have a family somewhere. Parents. A fiancé, even. But she left because I think I said something bad and made her cry. And I don’t remember my parents. I think I made them cry too. I don’t think I was a very good person before I went to the hospital. You told me I was a good person.

You told me at the hospital.

You backed away when I first kissed you. You didn’t understand that I thought you were beautiful. Liar liar liar, you shouted. You threw a lamp at me. It missed because I stepped back, and I kept saying, I love you. You threw more things, hollering LIAR!

When you got too tired to throw and yell, you sat on the floor. You wouldn’t look at me, but you didn’t move away when I sat next to you and held you. You buried your face in my chest, but you didn’t cry. You never cried. You were really brave all the time, that’s what your brother said. You protected him. You protected everyone. But now you needed to be protected, because your head got broken like mine.

We were quiet for a really long time. I held you tight and I played with your hair, like I saw on TV. Like I think I might have done once to a pretty girl before I broke my head. You were breathing really hard, and later a nurse said that it’s because you have panic attacks and they make you sick sometimes. When you stopped breathing like that, you kissed me. You said, I love you too.

***

We were going to get married, remember? My head was getting better and the doctor said yours was too. We were okay. Okay? We were okay. You were happy all the time, and we had a house, remember? We had a house. It was really nice, and you loved it. I loved you more than the house, and I think you loved me that much too.

Sometimes you liked to be left alone. Your head would hurt and you would have a panic attack and I think you just didn’t want me to see you when you had to cry. I would sit outside of the room with my back against the door. Sometimes I would sing, and when you came out your eyes were red but you’d smile anyway and curl up in my lap. I wrote a song for you, and it always made you happy even when we were fighting.

And then we were fighting fighting fighting always fighting and you needed more alone time and sometimes you’d have your alone time at your brother’s house and he’d call me and yell at me. I was starting to remember me before the hospital. I remembered what a bad person I was. I was mean, you know that? I was a really mean person and I was too afraid to tell you because I thought it would make you too sad. I started making you sad a lot.

But then I’d sing the song I wrote for you and you would be okay again. I said, I’m sorry baby I love you.

You would say, I love you. But you stopped saying ‘too’. I think you stopped believing me when the fighting fighting fighting got really bad. But it was true. I really really loved you.

***

I hit you on our wedding night… remember? You looked so sad. But you didn’t cry. You didn’t even ask for alone time. You started to stutter again like you did in the hospital. Remember when you stuttered in the hospital? It’s because you fell and you hit your head and it broke. But when you started to get better the stuttering went away.

Did I break you that night? I cried but you didn’t. You stuttered, I’m sorry, in a really quiet voice. You didn’t talk too much after that.

***

You crawl in through the window. You crawl in to my bed. You’re crying.

I can’t stay away from you, you sob sob sob. Your stutter hasn’t got away and it reminds me of what I did to you. There’s still a bruise on your cheek and it makes me feel sick.

I say, maybe you should. But you just cuddle really close to me and cry cry cry until you fall asleep. I hold on to you tight like I always do and I watch you sleep. You’re beautiful.

***

Your doctor told me you stopped taking your medicine. It was the same doctor who told me that your head will never stop being broken. It pretends sometimes that it’s okay but when things get too hard for you, it has to stop pretending. The doctor said that you were born that way but when you fell it got worse. He said it’s a psychotic episode. I don’t like those words. When he said them, I knew what they meant but I don’t think I remember anymore.

I got really mad. I yelled at him because those words made me so mad. I said, Gerard isn’t fucking crazy! I said, he’s fine! He’s fucking fine! You don’t know anything, he’s okay!

The doctor said that I was born broken too. He told me that’s why I lived in a hospital for so long.

I said, you’re full of shit.

***

You tried to kill yourself. That’s what your brother said. You jumped out of a window because your nightmares were getting worse and you didn’t want to be alive anymore. You didn’t stutter before that happened, but your head was broken and then you stuttered.

He told me about it in the hospital. He told me how you took care of him even when you couldn’t take care of yourself.

I think I tried to kill myself too but I don’t remember when or how or why. I didn’t like to talk about that stuff when I started to remember again. I think I didn’t want to remember.

***

I stopped taking my medicine.

I stopped thinking.

I stopped living.

I stopped breathing.

I jumped out of a window.

I couldn’t stop dreaming about you. Nightmares always nightmares bad bad bad dreams oh God please make them stop.

I could feel you, Gerard.

I could smell you.

I could taste you everywhere everything you are everything but I couldn’t see your face without looking at a photograph.

I jumped out of a window like you did.

I broke my head again and again and again.

I went back to the hospital and I remembered you.

I remembered how I hurt you and then I started to get better.

Back home you crawled in through the window because I lock the door at night. You looked different from the photographs and then I remembered that we haven’t seen each other in almost two years. You never took off your ring.

You were crying. You said you missed me. You said, I can’t stay away from you.

I said, maybe you should.

You cried until you fell asleep.

This feels too familiar.

***

You stutter, I love you.

I say, I love you too.

You’re quiet for a minute, you look at me. When I smile, you smile back. You lean against me and kiss my cheek.

You say, I know.

***

I can feel your skin on my sheets.

I can smell you. Everywhere.

I can hear you, taste you, you are everywhere.

You are everything.

You’re beautiful.

I love you.

Comments

this is insane. and SO good. its like....i dont even know, i dont have words to describe how awesome this is. it makes my head spin and twist and its just. great. its very similar to how i write as well, so that also made it fabulous. i loved the feeling of insanity to it. you captured it well. nice job!
thank you so much =] that's awesome that you use a similar style; there needs to be more non-traditional writings out there. it feels a lot more natural to write like this anyway.
So crazy, so AWESOME. I felt like my head was going to explode with all the swirling, conflicting emotions! I love insanity fics, and I'm thrilled with this fresh take on it! :)
thank you! insanity fics are always my favorite =] there's so much you can do with it
I really like this. I loved the repeated words and the over all sense of insanity it has. Very nice :)
thanks so much! i wanted it to sound more like frank thinking, as opposed to an organized 1st person... thing. haha, for lack of a better word. i like keeping things thought-oriented.
Amazing, I have no words to describe how good this story is. Completely fucked up, in a really good way...
It has so many feeling in it, it was even hard for me to breath while I read it. It's excellent, you did an amazing job♥
Aww thank you so much =] That means a lot, I'm glad you liked it
This is seriously brilliant.
Thank you so much!
This is just awesome. Your writing is fabulous, and you made them like, understandably crazy. Like, I don't even know, but this was so good. <3
Thank you so much =] I'm glad it's not like... just random, unnecessary crazy. Thanks ^^
I really, really loved this. Your writing is very different and at the same time feels so natural. It was crazy and just...beautiful. :) I always love insanity in fics. Especially when well portrayed of course.
Aw thanks so much! =] Insanity fics are always my favorite to read/write. There's a lot that can be done with them, and it's a lot of fun. I'm glad you liked it!
Oh my goodness...
I'm crying,sobbing,actually.
This hits home with me,and I,reading this hurts.
This was beautiful,I mean that with my whole disappearing heart.
You captured everything so perfect,and the description was genuine.
It aches right now,but for a moment,I actually felt peace with this.
Thank you for writing this,really.
Thank you.
Oh wow, thank you so much =] That really means a lot to me. Thank you.
this is so amazing. you deserve an award for writing this!!
*mems*
aww thank you! =]
Gee this is fucking amazing, I need to read this about 20 more times. <3

It kinda reminds me of Echo, but better and not about sex or stupid teenage girls
Thank you, my love!

Hahahaa, oh, Echo... I still love that book.
This is so good, I don't think you have any idea. It's just brutal, not written like everyone else, so much power and personality in it. It's CRAZY. It's different. It's awesome. It's like our head is broken too and the repeated words are constant thoughts on the inside, and the constant thumps of Frank's heart that we keep hearing against our own eardrums. I can't say I love insanity fics, ut you portrait this one so carefully and without many details that I have to love it. I wish I found more inspired writers like you. Keep up the great work, yeah? :)
Thank you so, so much =] I'm really glad you liked it. I wanted it to be like...his thoughts, completely. Nothing rehersed, nothing he already went over in his head. Like when you're thinking about something that's happened in your life, or just anything in general, and your brain goes on some crazy tangent to the point where you don't even remember what your original thought was, and you start getting stuck on words so the same word keeps repeating in your head, over and over. (Well, I HOPE it's not just me who does that XD)
Fuck, that was amazing.
Well done.
It almost made me cry XD
X
thank you =] tears bring me joy~
This is quite amazing.
You're a very good writer. :D
thank you so much =] i'm glad you liked it
wow, this is really good... it's the first time i read something from you, i really liked it. It confused me a bit the way it was written at te beginning, the dialoges are in the text, but still it was beautiful. Simply perfectly beautiful.

I'm gonna keep reading your fics, the frerard ones in particular, i am a writer myself and i love roleplaying (yes, i've seen your post about seeking someone to roleplay). I recently splitted up with my previous rp partner (nothing to worry about, just... personal issues), and i need someone to write with. I'll just keep reading though =) and see what happens. I saw you already found a partner though, so maybe this is all pointles hehehe ^^U anyway. Yeah.
well thank you! i wanted the story to feel like it's frank's thoughts, everything thats going on in his muddled little head, hence the confusing writing style. it's his racing thoughts and his memories, coupled with whatever is going on in the present. i dunno, i just kind of sat down and wrote it in 30 minutes, to be honest and just refused to use the backspace button. hahaha.

oh man, you can go ahead and IM me if you want to rp. i once did like, 4 different rps at once before. it was crazy. i'm online most of the time because a) i'm a college student and b) i'm kind of lame, so you can IM me if you ever decide you want to.

thanks again for the comment =]

Wow.

This almost reminds me of Flowers for Algernon. It's really sweet, and sad, and you're quite the writer. Kudos.

Re: Wow.

Thank you =]
I've actually never read that book before, although I've always wanted to. I've heard little excerpts from it, but never had the chance to read the whole thing. I'll have to do that.
holy shit youre talented
well thank you =]

Re: I cannot put my feelings into words.

Thank you so much! (and sorry this comment is like, a month late...) This really means a lot to me :) I'm glad you liked it.
Damn. I'm seriously at a loss for words. This was amazingly, beautifully written and at first, I didn't get that it was Frank thinking. I had thought it was Gerard.
This made me tear up at some parts and 'awwh' at others :) Kudos <3
You are a fantastic writer and I mem'ed this <3
xo,
duckeh.
Thank you so much :) I think when I was writing, I wasn't even sure at first who's thoughts it was. It just sort of ended up being Frank out of nowhere. Anyway, thanks for reading,commenting, and mem'ing! I'm glad you liked it
This is so amazing and so moving and I don't even know this is just fucking fantastic
Thank you so much :)

I heart the crazy

This is SO good! Let me get this straight: Frank's crazy and Gerard...has a stutter. Is it from a car crash? And they meet & love each other but Frank's abusive or whatever & they breakup & commit suicide?

Re: I heart the crazy

Frank is definitely crazy. Gerard's stutter comes from minor brain damage after repeat suicide attempts, the one that finally got him sent to the hospital was when he jumped out a window. They meet in the psychiatric ward, fall in love, eventually are allowed to leave, and they get married, but Frank starts hitting Gerard. Eventually Gerard leaves, and two years later Frank tries to kill himself the same way Gerard did before, because of the guilt, and Gerard comes back home to be with him again.

Actually, it wasn't until reading this comment that I realized the ending does sound like they committed suicide together in the end.

ANYWAY XD Sorry for the long comment. Thank you so much for reading =] I'm glad you liked it.
oh my gosh. I love this.
Thank you! =]